Part 2, ah, ah, ah…

Previously (on ER) we were counting molecules of water, grains of sand and stars in the galaxy. We counted the small, medium, and large. We counted Counts just as Counts count:

Then, to throw a spanner in the works, I stated that there were some simple things that cannot be counted: height, width, Oxygen, water, gratitude and nonsense. These are all nouns:

A noun is a word that is used to refer to a person, place, thing, quality, or action.

However, the cliff-hanger I left you with may have provided some hope:

As for espionage? Yes, you guessed it: impossible to count… or is it?

Espionage is a thing, right? You may not have seen it, but you are aware of its existence. If it’s a thing (an action actually) then it is a noun:

Espionage. Noun.

1. the use of spies to get secret information - military, political, industrial - especially by governments
2. the act or practice of spying

Check the small print of a dictionary definition for espionage: it is an uncountable noun. Not all nouns are equal - especially if we cannot count them. Ironically, we can count the number of uncountable nouns.

From the opening paragraph of Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities”, there are at least twelve uncountable nouns:
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. "

Age is an uncountable noun. When you use age as a noun within its meaning of the process of getting older, you cannot count it. People are not ageless though: we have a birthday each year to prove that. So, how do you know when you have an uncountable noun standing before you?

The simplest definition I found for an uncountable noun was:

An uncountable noun doesn’t have a plural form. (source: page 206)

Bah! What about sheep? I have one sheep and you have two sheep. No plural form there, I hear you bleat. I can count sheep. If I couldn’t, how would I get to sleep each night? Sheep are a countable noun. What about fish?

I appreciated this one though:

Anything that cannot be counted is an uncountable noun. (source)

But no so much this one:

Countable nouns can be used with articles such as ‘a’, ‘an’ and ‘the’. Uncountable nouns are always considered to be singular. They have no plural, even if they end in ‘-s‘. Since uncountable nouns have no plural, we can’t use ‘a’ and ‘an’ with them. (many sources but here’s one source)

I need to clear my throat before laughing a little at that one. Can someone pass me a water, please? See what I did there? Water is an uncountable noun, yet I could put an indefinite article in front of it and it still makes sense.

Hats off to grammarly.com for their contribution to the confusion. It certainly comes closest to pleasing me:

Uncountable nouns are nouns that come in a state or quantity that is impossible to count; liquids are uncountable, as are things that act like liquids (sand, air). Abstract ideas like creativity or courage are also uncountable. Uncountable nouns are always considered to be singular, and can stand alone or be used with some, any, a little, and much. (source)

Luckily, I can count the number of definitions of uncountable nouns. Not as many as molecules of water in a grain of sand, but very close.

English is my mother tongue. Late in life I’m finally learning plenty of formal grammar that I never knew existed. That’s not entirely accurate. I know grammar exists but never received formal teaching of grammar save using punctuation, figures of speech and that’s about it. I started to study grammar whilst qualifying as a teacher of English as a foreign language. I can count the rabbit holes I have been down as a result. Uncountable nouns were a new concept and the more I delved the more confused I became. A single rule to define them all thus aiding the learner of English as a foreign language is… unobtainable.

I hear English mistakes. That sounds obvious, but I don’t hear the incorrect word, phrase, tense, etc. I hear a difference in an expected sentence rhythm, or a word’s pronunciation tone. Likewise, for the written word I see patterns. By way of example:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. (source)

A large part of my career involved drafting and reviewing legal documentation. I had to train myself to see individual letters and words rather than patterns and expectations. That certainly helped my job progression: I was extremely fast and accurate. Though hard to read, the above example could be read only slightly slower than my usual speed.

Back to sounds.

What was said:

Can you put all your luggages over there, please?

I don’t hear the complete word luggages I only hear the extra ‘s’ added to the end. That grates my eardrums and puts my brain on red alert in identifying a mistake. I have not lost what was being communicated which is key - especially for fluency.

What could have been said:

Can you put your three pieces of luggage over there, please?

That’s how you count the the uncountable - get the decorators in. The uncountable noun needs to be preceded (or followed) by a decorator word or phrase. Sixteen bags of flour. Two kilogrammes of rice. Coffee… 2 cups please. Eight jugs of beer. Uncountable nouns are relatively easy to count: precede them with ‘some’. Alternatively, identify what they come in, or how you measure them, and use that for your decorator.

Decorators can be creative too. Imagine how the Sistine Chapel would have turned out if Michaelangelo was asked to just slap a bit of whitewash on the ceiling? A rainbow of paint. She personified confidence. He had courage in spades. A green sea of grass. A monument of luggage.

Whilst grammatically, luggages, should be very much verboten, language is, much to the grammar police’s dislike, fluid. So what grates or upsets today becomes the melodic and accepted tomorrow. Humans are lazy. We toil to ensure that we stay that way. Language and its use is not sacred. I would (and do) struggle to understand English written just 100 years ago. It’s not enjoyable to read, I am lazy, I will read modern novels only. I will teach to current grammar police accepted norms. However, my goal is to teach communication - not exam passing - ensuring the world understands you. In the scheme of things, saying luggage or luggages is not the worst mistake to make. I don’t even think of it as a mistake (even through all the grating). It loses nothing in using either, and life moves on without incident.

So with your own mother tongue not formally learning the grammar rules is an advantage. Tonal or rhythmic differences in a sentence structure indicate issues. Having no formal base allows for rule breaking as and when necessary - especially when feeling lazy. That is the joy of language and keeps it fresh, relevant and interesting.

So when a student asks, how will I know if a noun is uncountable? My lazy answer is: it’ll sound wrong. Six oxygens sounds wrong (it even looks wrong). Thirteen espionages: out of tune. You can put your luggages in the accommodations provided: where is your rhythm?

My slightly less lazy answer is: if you can’t count it, or time prohibits you from counting it, it probably is an uncountable noun. There are always exceptions to rules (I can count stars, but counting them one per second is going to take me a very long time), but exceptions prove the rule. Pay close attention to listening to the rhythm and tone of language, yours or someone else’s, making my lazy answer sound good!

I enjoyed this journey and realise how difficult English can be. I count my lucky stars I don’t have to learn English as a second language.

I can count fifteen spies, thirty-six moles, four honey traps and numerous dead letter boxes. A decorator for espionage? Perhaps spies ooze espionage. Perhaps spies engage in levels of espionage. What we are able to count though is the damage that espionage causes (which is ironic as damage is an uncountable noun):

Through at least eight acts of espionage, the mole directly or indirectly killed twenty-five fellow spies. Honey traps being the preferred bait.

Decorating espionage with acts is appropriate. When you spy, you act. You assume a role and play out that role according to your handler’s script. Who better to act out a spy for us than Sir Alec Guinness, playing the role of John le Carré’s George Smiley in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. Pay particular attention to his melodic pronunciation: